


Most Nights I Don't Know Anymore

by claryourcanvas (orphan_account)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life, M/M, Suicidal Tendencies, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, obviously, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-09
Updated: 2012-12-09
Packaged: 2017-11-20 16:44:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/587547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/claryourcanvas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I'm not letting you do this."<br/>"You have to."<br/>In a fraction of a second, Harry made a decision. He didn't blink as the thought crept into his mind, and he accepted it almost gladly. "Then I'm coming with you."<br/>And he did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Most Nights I Don't Know Anymore

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to disclaim that this is a work of fiction; a product of depression, midnight feelings, and the look in Louis' drunken, tired eyes in the pictures taken as of late. I really really hope that none of the things mentioned ever happen, and I'm open to answering questions or concerns about this.

"You know, Liam, this really is my fault. It is and I just..." Louis looked down at the shot in his hand (fifth one of the night) and squinted. "I just hate. I hate it."

Liam's hand was resting on Louis' lower back, leaning over his shoulder. He edged the shot glass out of Louis' clenched, dry, frail fingers before he could down it. This was how the entire night had gone. Liam knew that this was going to happen, that Louis was this close to snapping, and he was surprised that the entirety of the social media hadn't caught on to Louis' sudden strike of anguish (for lack of a better description). "We've gotta get you home, babe."

"No!" Louis snapped, attracting the attention of everyone else in the bar. "Don't call me babe. I'm not done drinking."

"Yes you are." Liam didn't even bat an eyelash, and helped Louis up off the bar stool. "In fact, you should have been done drinking about three drinks ago, Louis. We have to go home now."

"Don't fucking  _man-handle me,_ you blithering twat." Louis pushed Liam off of him, almost falling over in the process. "And don't tell me what to do. I'm not a child."

Liam nodded, expecting nothing less than this reaction. This was how Louis got when he was drunk. "The boys are waiting for us, Louis."

Louis flew silent. "Not Harry, though."

"Louis, please."

"No." His voice was grave, and his eyes were dark. "He's not home. He's not at our fucking hotel. He's with Taylor. Isn't he? He's not waiting for me. Fucking christ, he's waiting for Taylor to get on her god damn knees, and he's waiting for... I don't even want to fucking think right now. He's not waiting for me."

"Louis you know he's not. We both know that he's not actually fucking Taylor. He's at home. He's at home, I promise."

Louis looked down at his hands. "If you're lying to me, I swear to god..."

"I'm not. Let's go. Please." Liam took Louis by the forearm and guided him out the door, into the van and back to their hotel.

Harry was waiting for him.

~:~

Louis laid on his back, staring at the ceiling, tears silently scrolling down his cheeks. He played with the hem of his shirt, anxious.

Things had been getting really tough for Louis. He had to walk around and be happy, like things weren't positively eating him up inside. He had to do interviews and he had to sing and he had to be with fans, and he loved doing these things, but lately he hated the _way he had to do them_. He had to do them with a smile on his face that didn't belong. He had to do them with a million thoughts running through his head and not being able to say a word. He had to do them without touching or frowning or crying and and he had to do them with everyone in the world watching.

This was the business, and he knew it. He knew going into it that things were going to be hard, and he knew that he might have to lie and that he might have to be censored, and that he might have to want to sleep forever sometimes, and that people were going to hate him. He didn't prepare for _this_ , though. Constantly lying, unsure of the last time he'd actually spoken a single word of truth. He didn't know that he couldn't say anything he wanted to say. He didn't know how many nights he'd spent, awake in his bed, tears streaming down into his ears. He didn't know that people everywhere (his team, no less) were going to hate him for something as shallow and unchangable as sexuality. It disgusted him.

Rumors were always flying around, and Harry hadn't been by his side in too long, and he didn't even realize how unhappy he was until he sat and thought about it.

He was alone again, and Harry was supposed to be back soon, and then maybe, maybe, in the privacy of their own humble abode, he could be with himself for a while, and laugh into the collar of Harry's shirt as they watched romantic comedys all afternoon like he'd _promised_. He _promised_.

He left to go to the bathroom, splashing water in his face. He paced. And thought. And paced and thought and paced some more and looked at himself in the mirror. "You're going fucking insane, Tommo. Man up." His voice cracked. "Don't be a tool. Don't be afraid. Stop being scared. He promised."

Louis sat in the silence in the bathroom for a moment before hearing a squeak and a jingle.

Harry was waiting for him.

~:~

"I'm terrified."

"Me too."

"But you don't get it." Louis looked up at Zayn from his seat in his arms. "You really really don't get it. I love him and I can't. And there's nowhere to go anymore. I can't just come out and I can't just cry in front of everyone and I can barely touch him in public. I hate this. Is this how _he_ felt? _God,_ I'm a pathetic bitch, aren't I? Fuck."

"I'm scared for you, Louis. I really am." Zayn stroked his hair and made circles on his spine with his other hand. "I want you to be happy, Louis. This isn't fair for anyone."

"I'll be happy when I'm free."

He'd been thinking about that for a while.

~:~

Louis was alone again, shaking.

They were back in London, and he was alone again. He was exhausted, but he'd been sleeping all day, and nothing was helping. He'd watched TV, he'd scrolled through Twitter, he'd cried a little bit more.

Louis was trapped. He was in a box, with no way to break free. He was stuck in a spiral of lies and deceit and fake kisses and fake lines and fake everything. He was under a microscope and he was in a fishbowl and he was superglued to the ground. He was forced into loneliness and unhappiness. With every breath he was sinking farther and farther into the ground. The weight on his shoulders were beginning to be foo heavy to bear, and he hated it.

He couldn't blame the media for it, fully, or his management team, or his record label, or Simon, or the other boys, or _Harry_. He could only blame himself.

There wasn't a way out of this, and it sickened him. He was terrified.

He'd been thinking about that for a while.

~:~

"Wanna get drunk, Nialler?"

"Always. But I've been told not to. I think you're still drunk from when you went out with Zayn last night, and with Liam a few nights ago. And it's only four in the afternoon." Nial crinkled his eyebrows. "I mean, I'm not usually one to talk, but drinking while still hungover from the night before is how people develop fucking alcoholism. I care about you too much, bro."

Louis nearly collapsed in sobs at Niall's feet. Niall helped him up and guided him to the couch. "I hate seeing you like this, Louis. I really really do."

"I'm going fucking insane, Niall. I'm going to explode. I don't know what to do anymore, you don't fucking get it. This is terrifying, constantly under attack. I just wanna go. I just wanna leave. I want to stop. This needs to stop." Louis mumbled and Niall patted his head, eyes bugged, just as worried as Zayn and Liam had been getting.

"You're not insane. Not more insane than usual, at least." Niall took a deep, shaky breath. "You've gotta tell someone about this, mate."

"I guess."

"No, you will, Louis. Look at me." Niall looked into his eyes, worried. "I can't let this happen to you. You have to talk to someone."

"I will."

He never did.

~:~

Some time in between that talk with Niall and February 24th, Louis stopped being scared.

He made a decision and he didn't tell anyone about it. He rolled up a note in his pocket at all times, in case he was ready to stop. And the thought wasn't terrifying, because he was ready to stop, he just had to wait, and then it would be over. He visited his mum and sisters, and he spoke more and he spoke louder in interviews. He smiled more and smiled bigger. He would wrap his arm around Harry in interviews even when the rep glared and told him not to. He didn't care.

Harry pulled him aside one day, smiling, after a radio interview where Louis nearly hopped on Harry right there and kissed him without caution. "What are you doing out there, Louis? You're going to get the both of us killed."

Louis' smile faltered before it picked up again. "You only live once, Hazza."

Harry pushed Louis back into a wall that was out of view of their interviewers that were talking to the rest of the boys in the other room. Harry growled and smashed his lips against Louis' with the grin still plastered on his face. Harry bit on Louis' lower lip and grinded himself up into Louis on the wall. The shorter boy laced his fingers into Harry's curls and yanked him closer, taking deep breaths into his open mouth. The kissing was intense. The love was intense. The passion was intense. Later, the sex was _intense._

"I love you."

"I love you too, Haz."

"Don't ever leave me, okay?"

"I won't."

He never did.

~:~

February 24th, 2013, Louis was ready.

He set the note up on the kitchen table, because writing bleeds in water.

He went to the bathroom and splashed water in his face. He brushed his teeth and washed his hands. He opened the door to see Harry standing there, holding the note that he'd left on the kitchen table. His eyes were wide and red and his entire body looked defeated. "What the fuck is this?"

Louis took a deep breath. "Well I don't know. What does it say, Harry?"

A tear dripped from his chin. "You know damn well what it says, Louis."

"Harry please." Louis looked down at his hands. They'd become weak and calloused and dry around his fingernails. Harry grabbed them and brought the fingers to his lips and kissed gently. More gently than he'd kissed him before. He was shaking and he looked tired and Louis wanted to grab him and kiss him back one last time, with that much sincerity, and with that much gentleness, and that much care.

"Louis, you can't do this." Harry whispered against Louis' fingers. "You can't. I love you too much, Louis. Please."

"Harry."

"I'm not letting you do this."

"You have to."

In a fraction of a second, Harry made a decision. He didn't blink as the thought crept into his mind, and he accepted it almost gladly. "Then I'm coming with you."

And he did.

~:~

_February 25th, 2013_

_People around the world, One Direction fans and music fans alike, are devistated by the deaths of Louis Tomlison and Harry Styles last night, both of them reported missing in the morning, and pronounced dead at roughly 5:30 last night. Anne Cox, Harry's mother, came out on Twitter, stating that "This is a very difficult situation, and it's hard for all of us. We would like some privacy and respect. Thank you," and that they would all appreciate understandable grieving time for their losses._

_Both of the boys were found in River Graveny, and it suspected that they jumped off of Hermitage Bridge nearby. Other details have not been released to the public, such as if it was planned, or who found them. Again, their friends and family request privacy and respect. It looks like they've gotten respect, "#RestInPeaceHazzAndLou," "RIP Harry," and "RIP Louis" among other things have been trending worldwide since the information has been released to the public around midnight, London time._

_Liam Payne was the only member of the band who has written anything on Twitter since last night. "They loved each other very much. Always in our hearts." People have suspected that the tweet was the only information that their fanbase was going to get on Harry and Louis in the near future._

_It is obvious that both boys were very loved and respected, and will be greatly missed._

When the boys found the letter on Harry and Louis' kitchen table, they'd all immediately broken down. The note had been tear stained to the point that it was only partially readable. Only an hour later had the police called them back, having found the pair dead in a river they forgot the name of only moments later. They called Jay and Anne, and the six of them (Niall, Liam, Zayn, Jay, Anne, and Gem) gathered in their apartment, and they cried together for hours. They all took turns reading the note to themselves, too weak to speak the words out loud.

They figured that the first part of the note had been Louis' shaky catscratch. The ending had been a quick scribble of "I'm so sorry," which had come from the unmistakable handwriting of Harry. On the back had been something that was first noticed by Anne. Voice weak, she asked for Niall to hand her back the note. "Boys, I need you to tell them. Tell them we loved each other very much. Please," was all she said. Her voice cracked on the last word and Jay took her in her arms.

Liam re-read the little notice.  _Tell them we loved each other very much._

And he did.


End file.
